dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize