dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
