So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
