Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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