If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
