I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
