TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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