her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
