how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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