I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
