I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
