Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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