I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
