I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
