By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
