there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I could make wine with my vomit
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
