it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
