The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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