My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
