I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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