So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
