New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize
