when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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