YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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