Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
