i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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