Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
