Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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