I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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