She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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