highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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