Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
