my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
