I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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