my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize