Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
