now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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