4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
