dude i'm inner monologue high
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
