Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
