i can't believe i had my finger in that
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize