You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
