I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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