threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
