i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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