i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
