You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
