There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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