During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
