textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
