just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
