I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
its liver damage thursday
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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