Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
