five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
