I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
