If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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