Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
