If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
