My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
