How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
