Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
