Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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