btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
